Note: The following story is a composite of many couples who have gone through mediation. The story depicts a "typical" mediation and the issues discussed and resolved, as well as a glimpse of what life looks like after divorce.
Tom and Jennifer's story is one couple's experience. It is a composite, but representative of those who choose divorce mediation. Jennifer and Tom had been married for 15 years when they first came to mediation. They met in college, dated for two years, and worked for several years before getting married and starting a family. Tom is a sales representative with a well-known company; Jennifer is a registered nurse. They have two children, Ben age 9 and Allison age 7.
After Ben was born, the couple agreed that it would be best if Jennifer stayed at home to care for him. She continued as a stay at home mom when Allison was born. Three years ago when Allison was 4, Jennifer began working part time in a local doctor's office. Before the children were born, Jennifer had worked full time as a hospital nurse, a career she dearly loved, but now she enjoyed the flexibility of part-time work that enabled her to keep her skills current. Tom's successful career and Jennifer's part-time work enabled the family to live comfortably in a nice neighborhood. Most family events centered on the children's activities. Ben was into soccer, swimming and baseball. Allison, who wasn't as outgoing as her older brother, enjoyed reading, gymnastics and piano lessons. Both parents shared carpooling to school and other children's activities, when Tom was in town and available. Jennifer shouldered most of the responsibility for the children. Saturdays were particularly hectic with Ben's soccer games and Allison's gymnastics. This was often tiring to Tom, who traveled several times a month and looked forward to resting up on the weekends.
Jennifer thought she and Tom had a good marriage, but she was concerned that he occasionally grew moody and distant. She wrote this off to the stress of his work and the pressures of the children's seemingly unending activities. Communication was never their strong point, but Jennifer was sure that Tom loved her and felt that he would never be unfaithful. One day, however, after an argument, Tom blurted out that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. This crushed Jennifer, who had never suspected any serious problems in their relationship.
The couple begins counseling Tom's outburst led to counseling with their pastor, who suggested that Tom and Jennifer see a marriage counselor. Things seemed to get better after several weeks of counseling but then both began experiencing reservations about their relationship. "We got married before we grew up," Tom told the counselor. Neither had dated around before marriage and Tom confessed to "wanting a trial separation" so he could date other people and "see if I really want to be married." Tom decided unilaterally to move out to a modest apartment, leaving Jennifer and the kids in the family home.
This was unacceptable to Jennifer, who by now felt the relationship was in jeopardy. She secretly sought the advice of a local family attorney, although Tom had agreed to continue to see the marriage counselor with her. The attorney quoted Jennifer a sizeable retainer fee as a pre-condition of representing her to get custody of the kids, child support, alimony and a property settlement. Jennifer put off a decision about hiring an attorney because Tom continued to attend counseling with her.
Unfortunately, counseling and the passage of time did not lead to reconciliation. Tom and Jennifer eventually decided to divorce. The marriage counselor suggested they see a mediator to determine if matters related to their separation and divorce could be resolved amicably.
First session with a mediator
At an introductory session, the mediator outlined the divorce mediation process and answered the numerous questions Jennifer and Tom had. The mediator explained that a mediated divorce differs from a traditional divorce in that couples in mediation define issues in dispute and reach agreements that are in the best interest of the family. In a conventional divorce, couples' attorneys negotiate a settlement for them or take their case to court.
Jennifer and Tom sensed that mediation would work particularly well for them because they had children. They realized that no one knew more about their children than they did. It would make no sense to turn over decisions related to their children's welfare to others. Tom and Jennifer decided that they should make important decisions about the children themselves rather than through attorneys or court. They were particularly hopeful that by doing so they could spare their children some of the heartache children of divorce often experience. A friend of Jennifer's had confided that during her hotly contested divorce her children had experienced moodiness and poor performance in school. Jennifer was determined to avoid this kind of fallout to her children at all costs.
Divorce is a difficult time for everyone in the family, especially children. The mediator pointed out that children respond to divorce more favorably when they see their parents cooperating in their best interest. Parents also get on with their lives more successfully if they resolve their differences through the mediation process. Jennifer and Tom decided to work with the mediator to address issues arising out of their separation and eventual divorce. This would involve several two-hour sessions over a period of weeks. At the end of the first meeting the mediator gave Tom and Jennifer a monthly budget form that each was to fill out in detail prior to the next mediation session. It was suggested that they review cancelled checks and credit card receipts to make their budgets as realistic as possible. Each was instructed to bring three copies of their individual budget to the next mediation: one copy for each of them and one for the mediator.
Working on making the important decisions for their family
The first actual mediation session involved a review of Jennifer and Tom's monthly budgets so that both could get a grasp of their financial situation. Around a table in the mediator's office, Tom and Jennifer pored over both budgets. No decisions were made about the financial needs of each household, but they began to think realistically about their incomes and expenditures. This session laid the groundwork for financial decisions that would be made in future sessions.
Two subsequent mediation sessions involved decisions about where the children would live and how they would spend time with each of their parents. Tom wanted desperately to "have the kids with him," but he knew his work and travel would never permit him to parent the children as well as Jennifer. Jennifer and Tom worked out a parenting agreement that provided for each of them to have significant time with the children. They agreed to cooperate and foster a good working relationship for the sake of the children. They also worked out child support based on their incomes and the needs of the children.
Another session dealt with Jennifer's job situation. She preferred to work part time for the sake of the children, and Tom agreed to help her financially for three more years, at which time she agreed to go back to work full time. By then Allison would be 10 and Ben 12 - hopefully fully adjusted to the divorce. Jennifer planned to resume her hospital nursing at that time. Tom agreed to let Jennifer and the kids stay in the house for three years, after which time the house would be sold, and the proceeds divided.
Two final sessions involved property settlement. Prior to those sessions Jennifer and Tom each filled out a financial information form the mediator provided on which they each listed all of their assets and liabilities. With the mediator's assistance they were able to divide their property to their mutual satisfaction. Tom and Jennifer chose to consult attorneys for advice during the mediation process, but the attorneys served as consultants, and Jennifer and Tom remained in control of decision-making.
The family's lives after divorce It has now been four years since their divorce. The family home has been sold, and Jennifer and Tom have each bought modest homes. They are getting on with their lives and are cooperating for the sake of the children. While neither has remarried, both are dating. Ben and Allison are doing well, with no apparent ill effects from the divorce. Both Jennifer and Tom attribute this to mediation and their working together for the sake of the children.
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